Why Do Men Stay in Abusive Relationships: Domestic Violence is a Serious Problem for Either Gender

Domestic violence used to be treated as a private matter – what happens behind closed doors is not a public affair. This approach managed to hide the problems for a long time and now, when things are starting to surface, the truth looks ugly and shocking. First abuse of women draw the attention of the public and only recently reports of men in abusive relationships started to surface.

Domestic violence has a really serious effect on the physical and emotional health of the victim, no matter if the victim of domestic violence is male or female. There are many similarities in the way men and women are abused at home and the most surprising is that men are also passive to defend themselves when they are abused by their partner. There are many reasons why men stay in abusive relationships and some of them are listed below.

Shame Keeps Men's Mouths Shut in an Abusive Relationship

Traditionally men are perceived as stronger than women and they are taught that complaining is weakness. That is why many men are reluctant and ashamed to admit that they are victims of domestic violence, even if the abusive relationship is becoming life-threatening for them.

Fear That Disclosure will Escalate the Domestic Violence

Fear that if they don't keep their mouths shut, this will make their wife even more brutal and will lead to more and crueler violence is another reason why men don't do anything to break free from an abusive relationship.

Denial of Being a Victim in an Abusive Relationship

Sometimes men don't admit, even to themselves, the fact that they are the victim in an abusive relationship. This is also related to shame, fear, lack of opportunities to break free, belief that it is not as bad as it could be, the “I am a man, I can stand it” attitude, etc. Maybe some will call it love but it is hard to understand how somebody could love a monster, who is inflicting physical and emotional damage on him.

Tied in an Abusive Relationship

Very often men are just tied in the abusive relationship and even if they are aware that breakup (and for married couples – divorce) is the only solution, they can't do it (or at least it is not that easy to do it) because they are tied – with kids, property, fear to be alone, etc.

Feeling Powerless as a Victim of Domestic Violence

It is hard for a woman to break from an abusive relationship, but for men it could be even harder because there are fewer, if any organizations to assist them when they decide to quit the abusive relationship. Also, for many men, it is next to impossible to live on their own and they are happier to have a partner, even if this is an abusive partner, than to be alone.

Feeling Sorry for Her

As absurd as it could sound, the victim is sorry for the abuser. Here different motives kick in: she is so vulnerable and that is why she is so aggressive, she won't be able to make it on her own and it is low to leave her, etc. While it is really irresponsible to leave somebody helpless, here the roles are inverted and this makes it harder to quit an abusive relationship.

Nobody will Believe Him

Finally, one more reason why men stay in abusive relationships is that even if they ask the authorities for assistance, nobody will believe that a 6 foot, 200 pound man is a victim of domestic violence, even if this is the case. When cops are called the abuser starts to cry and pretend that she is the victim and frequently she wins simply because he can't prove he is right.

It is very sad that cases of domestic violence are not an exception. It is not reasonable to expect that society or somebody else will save the victims of domestic abuse but lending a helping hand to a friend in need is always appreciated. And no, such help is not an attempt to interfere in somebody's personal life – it is an attempt to save a victim before it becomes too late.

Aug 13, 2009 11:45 PM

Guest :

Once upon a time i was in a relationship that helped economically but i didn't care for the person. She nagged and smothered with her great expectations for life. I spent way too much time with this sort of love. Such was the price of my devil's bargain. I eventurally rebelled coming to my senses. That was years ago. I learned from it. The moral of the story is that you can lead your horse to water to drink but be careful whom or what crawls out of such holes for beasts disguised as people have been known to frequent them seeking the unwary soul for whom to forever haunt.

Aug 27, 2009 2:32 AM

Guest :

I am trapped by such a beast...

Oct 4, 2009 4:35 PM

Guest :

I am currently in an abusive relationship with a woman that is verbally and physically abusive. When she does not get the answer she wants she proceeds to bully me and threats escalating every step of the way yet I still find myself making excuses for her. To make matters worse we work for the same company in the same building and she often threatens that she will get me fired any time there is talk of breaking up or if I don't do what she wants. While I know that I can get another job I currently make a good paycheck and in the current economy it is unlikely that I will can get another job making the same salary. She often calls me a loser repeatedly and knows exactly what to say to cut me deep. While I am much stronger than her I have never raised my hand to her and will not although her rage is so great that it seems like she has super human strength while she attempts to punch, scratch and bite me (often all at the same time). She also makes use of objects that are around the room to hit me with and throw at me. Recently she threw a plastic bottle filled with soda at my head at point-blank range which resulted in me going to the emergency room to get stitches. Never once has she shown regret or empathy after verbally or physically abusing me. Recently she accused me of flirting with a girl at work and stuck me with a metal fork. The past couple of years have been a prison for me. The funny thing is that I often feel sorry for her and think maybe it's me but that's just part of the psychological game abusers play. Another concern for me outside of losing my job due to her lies and abuse is that she will manipulate the situation and convince everyone that I am the one who abuses her. She often threatens to do this and I believe she would but I feel I have finally reached the point where I must leave at any cost. It is only a matter of time before she escalates this to a point I may not recover from. My advice to anyone in a similar situation is to GTFO (Get The F*ck out) at any cost.