Warning Signs That a Partner Could be Cheating
Private Investigator & Psychologist Tell Cheating's Emotional Signs
Sep 13, 2009
Frequent nights working late and mysterious credit card charges are what most people think about as signs that a partner is being unfaithful. In 180 Telltale Signs Mates Are Cheating and How to Catch Them, [New Horizon Press, October 1, 2002], Raymond B. Green, a private investigator and former police officer, teams up with Marcella Bakur Weiner, Ed.D., a psychology professor at Marymount Manhattan College, to reveal some behaviors that otherwise might not be noticed as suspicious, but could indicate a partner is having an affair. Below are some of the signs the authors noted.
Suddenly "Nice" Behavior
Often, a cheating partner suddenly becomes more attentive to his spouse. He rubs her feet, does the dishes without being asked, or takes her to lunch in the middle of the week. In the early stages of an affair, the cheating spouse typically feels guilty; the kindness and favors tend to mitigate some of this guilt. Gifts may also begin to appear more than usual, as the wayward partner continues his efforts to assuage his guilty feelings for betraying his partner.
Bad Moods Out of the Blue
Unfaithful partners will often pick a fight, seemingly out of nowhere. This gives her an excuse to storm out of the house, potentially to call or get together with her lover. She may also do this because she has mixed emotions about the affair; being with her partner reminds her of his double life.
Her moods could also be all over the map; she's excited or hyper when she's leaving, but grumpy and somber when she's around the betrayed partner. Also, if she's involved in a long-term affair, the problems that arise in that relationship will spill over into his relationship with her partner, and vice versa. It becomes difficult for her to keep the two relationships separate.
Odd Conversations
Cheaters sometimes talk hypothetically about the relationship ending, saying things like, "What would you do if we broke up?" or "No matter what happens to us, I'll always love you." His thoughts seem to be negative about the relationship, and he's likely often thinking about life without his mate and with the lover.
Those involved in affairs are also typically very defensive and extremely concerned with their privacy., acting offended or indignant when even the simplest of questions are asked; "How was your day?" could result in a response like, "What, you're checking up on me now?"
He might also turn the tables and accuse the other partner of cheating. Or, he might talk frequently about the problems and goings-on in another woman's life; this other woman is often the lover.
Strange Reactions
Sadly, a cheating spouse often become like more of a roommate than a lover and partner. There's little conversation, and she becomes cold and inconsiderate. She no longer shows interest in her future with her partner; she's blase' about planning a vacation or talking about home renovations or retirement plans.
She might suddenly begin to listen to music she's never liked before, perhaps because it reminds her of her lover, or she hears it when she's with him and is beginning to enjoy it.
If her partner does something nice for her, she will likely act guilty or ashamed. This is because she has convinced herself that she is under-loved, unappreciated or misunderstood; the kind gesture causes her to realize she's not the victim, she's the perpetrator.
How to Confront a Cheating Partner
There's no right or wrong way to confront a partner about suspicions that she's cheating. It's an intensely uncomfortable, scary situation, with the very real possibility that she is cheating lying somewhere on the other side. Three hard and fast rules apply to this confrontation, however: remain calm and rational, don't let violence of any kind into the interaction, and if children are involved, make sure they aren't anywhere around when the confrontation occurs.
If an affair is revealed, the couple must decide if they're going to end the relationship, or work on rebuilding it. Either way, getting professional help from an empathetic couples' counselor can help both partners get through this highly emotional and difficult phase.
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