Understanding Domestic Violence
Recognizing and Stopping Domestic Violence and the Cycle of Abuse
When the doors close and the curtains are pulled, for many women their fairytale marriage ends. In twilight, when no one is around, her knight in shining armor becomes her enemy. As indicated by the American Bar Association website, 1.3 million American women are reported abused every year, and millions more go unnoticed as their silenced cries remain captive behind the closed door.
Signs of Abuse
For many women, it is difficult to determine whether their relationship could be considered abusive. The answers to the question, “what is abuse?” can be surprising. Many people assume that the term “abuse” refers only to a physical assault that ends in injuries or broken bones. The truth is, abuse is any form of mistreatment. There are extremes which most women compare themselves to, justifying their situation by thinking that it isn’t as bad as what they have seen or heard. There is no justification for any kind of abuse within a marriage.
It is behind the closed door that a spouse should find peace and rest. In a world full of turmoil and difficulty, home is one of the only places to go for refuge. Sadly, many find that home brings no comfort. Physical abuse in any form should never be tolerated. Yet, how does a family know, when there are no obvious physical abuses, if the home has become abusive? Helpguide.org lists the signs and symptoms of abuse on its website to help those who are unsure to determine if their relationship has crossed the boundaries.
Cycle of Violence
Abuse follows a cycle or pattern of violence. It begins with the abuse, guilt, excuses, “normal” behavior (honeymoon phase), fantasy and planning, and set-up. When a couple is in the honeymoon phase it is common to feel like this time it is going to be good. An abused woman will often feel guilty to leave when she sees her spouse trying hard to be good and do things better. He may tell her that he understands if she wants to leave him. He promises if she stays he will do better. The bait and hook are put in to place. As soon as she begins to feel comfortable in the relationship the abuser begins to fall back into his old pattern of behavior.
Although it is difficult to walk out on a relationship when things seem to be getting better, the reality is it will only last a short time. It is never healthy to stay in an abusive relationship. There are no benefits to anyone. The abuser is not protected, but instead is enabled to continue unhealthy behavior that will ultimately end in further trouble and pain.
Because children in abusive homes learn that abuse is an acceptable way of dealing with anger, violence is often passed generation to generation. If the cycle is not stopped in a family while children are still young, it is very likely they will take the abusive patterns into their own families.
How to Find Help
Abuse is never justified. It is never warranted. It is never healthy. Nobody likes to see herself as a victim but the truth is that until she has broken free from the relationship, and overcome the effects of the abuse, a victim is what she is. Once she has overcome the effects of the abuse, and with the right help that is almost always possible, she becomes a survivor.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) is a crisis intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence. It can help victims find places of refuge. It is never too late or too early to begin taking the steps towards healing.
Cycle of Abuse
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Types of Abuse
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