When couples give each other the cold shoulder, or send their kids to sit in time out chairs, such treatments are perceived in the brain as rejection, sometimes with serious consequences. By understanding the pain of rejection, modern methods of handling conflict can be revisited.
Psychological Pain Equals Physical Pain
Cruel and unusual punishment has been part of interpersonal communication and human relationships since the days of Adam and Eve. Even God turned his back on sinners in an effort to make them behave. But what is the price of such punishments? Humans have intuited a connection between pain and emotions, hence the expression "hurt feelings."
A University of California at Los Angeles study determined that social exclusion, or the feeling of being left out, appeared on brain scans to be identical to cortex activity associated with physical injury. The researchers suggested that "the social attachment system, which keeps young near caregivers, may have piggybacked onto the physical pain system to promote survival" [1].
Social Exclusion Causes Self-Destructive Behavior
A San Diego team of researchers tested subjects reactions to being "informed" by fake "tests" that they were likely to end up alone. The subject exhibited self-defeating and careless behavior afterward, eating junk food and procrastinating with distracting activities rather than focusing on assigned tasks [2]. Parents who want to discipline without punishment may need to rethink time out; kids may not be getting the right message.
The Silent Treatment Damages Adult Interpersonal Relationships
Women and men deal differently with the pain of being ostracized by their partners. Women who get the silent treatment go into overdrive to rectify the problem and get back into the good graces of their mate, although they may inwardly build resentments. Men, on the other hand, are more likely to suffer the silent treatment silently. They become withdrawn, depressed, and resigned [3]. Either way, the ramifications last far longer than most arguments which are followed by mutual efforts to resolve the dispute.
One Alternative is to Stay Connected
In his book Getting the Love You Want [Macmillan-Holt, 2007], Dr. Harvell Hendrix suggests that even during disagreements, active listening can keep partners connected with each other. By repeating the other's statements about how they feel and what they want, the feeling of being heard and understood is preserved and hurt and frustration are defused. This type of interaction does not seem to come naturally; a bit of training and practice seem to be needed to fully implement the dialogue technique.
Awareness is the Beginning of Change
Partners who use the silent treatment in committed relationships as a way to get even probably justify it by viewing silence as a healthier alternative to yelling, verbal abuse, and violence. While it is true that none of those actions are appropriate, giving the cold shoulder to either children or adults is also immature and cruel. Taking time to cool off, or removing a child from social situations until they are able to calm down, may be necessary and healthy reactions to conflict. But interfering with another's need to belong in order to manipulate them might be playing with psychological fire.
References:
- Eisenberger N, et.al., "Does Rejection Hurt, An fMRI Study of Social Exclusion," Science Magazine 2003 Oct., Vol 302: 290-2.
- Twenge JM, et. al., "Social Exclusion Causes Self-Defeating Behavior," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2002 Sep., 83(3) 606-15.
- Leary, M. and Williams, K. Ostracism: Interpersonal Rejection, New York, NY: Oxford University Press, 2001.
- Getting the Love You Want, Hendrix H. New York, NY: Macmillan-Holt, 2007.
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