Should Spouses Sleep Separately?
Married Couples May Find Separate Beds a Solution Despite Stigma
Feb 2, 2009
Once the norm for television couples, the trend of spouses sleeping separately is making a comeback.
Separate Beds and Separate Bedrooms
Married couples are increasingly turning to separate sleeping arrangements as a way to resolve conflicts in the bedroom, according to recent studies by the National Sleep Foundation. Not only are home builders seeing increased demand for dual master suites, but other couples may be using the spare bedroom or den as a separate bedroom, according to author Tracie Rozhon in the March 11, 2007, New York Times article, “To Have, Hold and Cherish, Until Bedtime.”
Rozhon cites the February 2007 survey by the National Association of Home Builders, in which builders and architects predicted an increasing trend in dual master bedrooms. Sleeping separately may not mean trouble, but there is a reluctance to discuss sleeping arrangements. “Many architects and designers say their clients believe there is still a stigma to sleeping separately,” Rozhon says.
Backlash to Sleeping Separately
Indeed, when separate sleep arrangements are made public in the lives of celebrities, it is assumed there is a rift. In 2007, much was made of rumors that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were going their separate ways at night.
"There's nothing at all wrong with sleeping apart," said George H. Williams, Ph.D., an Atlanta psychologist and marital therapist in the Nov. 23, 2005, WebMD feature article, “Sleeping Single in a Double Bed” by Jeanie Lerche Davis. "But it goes against everyone's myth that we should all sleep cuddled up together – that's our ideal vision."
When Sleeping Separate is O.K.
Sleeping separately doesn’t always mean a couple’s relationship is headed for the rocks. “Couples today are writing their own script, rewriting how to have a marriage,” University of Michigan sociologist Pamela J. Smock told the New York Times. “The growing need for separate bedrooms also represents the speed-up of family life.” In fact, more couples are sleeping separate to make sure they get enough sleep to function during the day. “If one of them snores, the other one won’t be able to perform the next day. It’s … not necessarily indicative of marital discord,” Smock said.
Reasons to Sleep Separately
There are many reasons why couples with perfectly happy marriages choose to move out of the main bed. While a 2005 NSF survey showed that 23 percent of adults are trying to escape a snoring partner, author Ellen Crean points out in the CBS News article, “Till Bedtime Do Us Part,” that statistic does not include partners who choose to sleep separately for other reasons. To cope with disrupted sleep caused by tending to babies, many parents will remain in the child’s bedroom or sleep on the couch.
Partners without young children may find sleeping separate works to accommodate situations where one partner is a light sleeper, night owl or snorer. Instead of suffering from the effects of sleep deprivation – such as irritability, difficulty concentrating and feeling ill –partners may sleep separate for all or part of the night.
One common scenario is both partners starting the night in one bed, then one person moves to a separate bed to sleep to get away from a snoring spouse. "There's a lot of social acceptance about that,” Michele Weiner-Davis told WebMD. Weiner-Davis, MSW, is a marriage and family therapist and author of The Sex Starved Marriage. “People joke about it socially, that it's like sleeping beside a bear.” She said, “It doesn't have to be a problem, as long as they make a conscious effort to keep their connection." Weiner-Davis says it is vital for married couples to continue to keep a strong physical connection, even if they aren’t sharing the bed.
When Separate Sleep is Problematic
Sometimes, however, spouses sleeping separately can be a symptom of a deeper problem. This can be the case when partners are avoiding spending time together or have different expectations. "If they're sleeping apart all the time, it can create problems. If one person thinks that isn't how marriage should be, it's a problem," Weiner-Davis said. Couples whose separate sleeping arrangements make them feel as though they are roommates instead of partners, find they are no longer intimate or are no longer spending time together may be at risk for marital trouble, she says.
Sleeping together is important because it is about being together as a couple, clinical psychologist Dr. Joy Browne told CBS. “It's a statement of compromise and also gives you the chance to at least cuddle, and there's that closeness," Browne said.
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., agrees that couples who find themselves moving apart from each other may have a troubled relationship, according to Davis. Schwartz is a professor of sociology, psychiatry and behavioral medicine at the University of Washington in Seattle. "When a troubled couple is moving apart, it is both symbolic and real evidence of issues that need to be dealt with," Schwartz said. Couples therapy may be needed.
Schwartz recommends looking at what is driving the couple to sleep separate and what state the relationship is in overall. If a couple is being intimate, spending time together and happy, sleeping separate may simply be a means to cope with a medical or sleep problem. “If sleeping apart reflects other issues in the relationship, then we need to look at the whole picture," Schwartz said.
Married couples may find sleeping in separate beds or separate rooms is an effective way to handle different sleep patterns, snoring or tending to young children. Partners must ensure that communication lines and intimacy are not negatively impacted by the separate sleeping arrangements.
Resources
Crean, Ellen. “Til Bedtime Do Us Part: The Upside and Downside To Sleeping Separately.” CBS News, Jan. 12, 2006.
Davis, Jeanie Lerche. “Sleeping Single in a Double Bed.” WebMD, Nov. 23, 2005.
Rozhon, Tracie. “To Have, Hold and Cherish, Until Bedtime.” New York Times, March 11, 2007.
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