Managing Conflicts in a Marriage
Signs of Marital Discord and Tips to Handle It
Some studies on marriage and divorce in the United States show that about 50% people marrying for the first time end up divorced while many who stayed married are trapped in unhappy marriages. So what goes wrong in these marriages? Frequent arguments are definitely a contributing factor. Still, these disagreements are perfectly normal. It’s how one addresses and manages the conflicts that will determine the success of one’s marriage.
There are so many things in a marriage that can lead to conflicts – issues involving children, financial burdens, meddling family members, living habits and work have been known to cause many a disagreement. Often, the unresolved problems are brought up over and over again, with no signs of them being ever worked out.
Signs of Marital Conflicts
Not sure if you and your spouse are in conflict regularly? The following are signs and patterns of serious marital discords between couples.
- Regular shouting and yelling
- Losing temper with each other over trivial matters
- Nasty name calling
- Extremely harsh criticisms
- Difficulty about talking any problem calmly and reasonably
- Throwing things at each other
- Bringing up bad memories repeatedly
- Being made to feel, or make another feel worthless and unwanted
- Negative interpretation of partner's views and motives
If these sound all too familiar in your marriage, things are certainly not all that well between the two of you. You need to act before the bitterness, resentment and anger get the better of you. Here are some measures to manage your conflicts constructively:
Time out
When the argument gets out of hand, stop it. Leave each other alone for about an hour or two to cool down. If it’s really heated, it’s best not to talk to each other for a day or two. When both partners have calmed down, they can attempt to discuss it reasonably and fairly.
Think it through
Use the time-out period to thoroughly think about the cause of the argument. What was most upsetting about it? Was it a fair fight? Was it necessary to have that big shouting match?
Return to the Scene
Once both partners have calmed down considerably, they should face each other and try to talk things over evenly. It may be useful to have a full and open discussion about the problem and understand each other’s point of view before attempting to solve that problem.
Understand each other’s Needs
Ask what is truly bothering your spouse. Listen carefully to what he or she has to say and try your best to understand his or her concerns. Then express your own concerns so that your spouse too knows what you’re upset about. Mutual understanding of each other’s needs, concerns and problems is the first step to resolving your conflicts.
Reach a Compromise
Think of ways to resolve the problems. Brainstorm for ideas, strategies and solutions if need be. Let the ideas flow first – no interruptions and no criticisms. Write down the solutions, then shortlist some of them. There must be a solution agreeable to both partners. Agree on what each partner will do to carry out the solution. Then set a time to follow up on how things are progressing.
Forgive and Forget
Willingness to forgive and forget is a big step in managing a serious conflict. What’s done is done and most times, it’s best to let it go. Don’t bring it back in future arguments. It serves no purpose and only worsens the situation. Learn from past problems and mistakes and strive not to repeat them.
For more ideas, read also How to Have a Successful Marraige after Kids, How to Communicate Effectively with Husbands and Arguing Positively.
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