As far as in-laws are concerned, the longer you have them, the better the relationship usually becomes.
Although most relationships are fragile in the beginning, when they start off on equal ground, they continue to develop and strengthen as the marriage matures. When the marital relationship succeeds, the relationship with the in-laws usually succeeds, too.
Work to Get Along
Attempting to blend family traditions and lifestyles is never easy. It takes open communication and a sincere desire to get along with new in-laws. The most important thing is not to meddle in other family member’s affairs, but to give and take within each relationship.
Getting along is often impeded by misplaced loyalty. Clinging to parental loyalty is a major obstacle to overcome when developing successful marital relationships. Adult children need to become more loyal to their mate than to their parents. It’s in the best interest of everyone involved for the new couple to establish their loyalty to each other rather than to the parents who raised them. Failure to negotiate a loyalty switch causes a tug of war that uses the child as a rope being pulled in different directions by different family members. Sometimes the loyalty switch can be devastating for a parent, but letting go is part of the inevitable process of growing up.
To avoid the drama of family crises, people must learn to respect other people’s dreams, i.e., a couple’s driving force that determines their interests, activities, and selection of friends. Typical family dreams are achievement, wealth, social status, children, religion, and social involvement. Refusal of one couple to respect another couple’s family dream (e.g., when or if they want to have children) creates a multitude of problems.
Have Realistic Expectations
Parents’ exaggerated opinion of their child’s desirability and eligibility can cause additional problems in a marriage. Parents who think their child married “beneath them” are never going to accept the spouse. This struggle of acceptance and loyalty can cause tremendous strain on a relationship.
When the married child carries around this exaggerated opinion of himself and his family, it can lead to unfair comparisons. If a man negatively compares his wife’s cooking to his mother’s culinary abilities, then he is comparing plums to prunes, so to speak. While his wife may have a few years of experience in the kitchen, his mother was stirring soup and poking pot roasts long before his wife was even born.
Another common beef about cooking surrounds family celebrations and legacies that are passed from one generation to the next. A marriage is not just a marriage between two people, but between two family legacies. Unrealistic parents may feel betrayed by children who adopt traditions from another family or create new traditions.
Create a Safe Distance
After trying to openly communicate, sincerely get along, and set realistic expectations, sometimes the only solution to strained relationships is to put physical distance between the offended parties for awhile. Today’s mobile families aren’t as close as they used to be in previous generations, with college, career, and friends making convenient excuses for young people to escape from troubled families and move to new locations.
Distance may help keep the peace and help the heart grow fonder. Weekly telephone calls to catch up on events could be all that’s required to maintain a healthy relationship with the in-laws.
Mothers-in-law on both sides have a particularly nasty reputation to overcome. Is the stereotypical scheming, won't-untie-the-apron-strings mother-of-the-man-you-married a myth or reality? Perhaps a little of both. Even so, practicing charity – tolerance and leniency in judging others – sounds like a good idea for outlaw in-laws of all ages, sexes, and nationalities whether they live next door or thousands of miles away.
To learn about family problems depicted in the movies, read Mr. Woodcock Movie Review, Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, and Things We Lost in the Fire.
