Rules Can Save Your Relationship
Stability Maximizes Goal Attainment in Families
Do you think that when it comes to relationships rules are for children but not adults? Many people don’t like to think that there have to be rules in a relationship because for the most part rules can make you feel like you’re not the highly functioning grown-up that you are. In addition to this, many may also resent feeling obligated by rules. But if you don’t like rules, it may be that you don’t fully understand their function. Rules govern what expectations others have of you but they also govern your boundaries.
Some rules are termed implicit because they've never been discussed. Your spouse may know to talk about the children only in the privacy of your bedroom when they aren’t around. But even though you may never have actually told your wife this, it is nonetheless a rule that both of you follow. Though this rule was never verbally acknowledged make no mistake it has the potential to carry as much weight as those discussed.
Without rules families would have to constantly navigate through daily interactions increasing the chance for misunderstandings and increasing instability within the unit. Rules govern what you can expect or how you act, for instance like when you are in the privacy of your homes as opposed to when you are out and amongst friends. In short, rules provide predictability. According to Philosopher David K. Lewis Convention: A Philosophic Study [Harvard University Press 1969], rules exist to help you “…coordinate behaviors and maximize goal attainment.” In other words, without rules your relationships would never grow and goals would never be attainable because rules provide stability.
Different Types of Rules and Origins
- There are explicit rules that are part of your relationships with others, and these rules are those that are discussed. They exist on the surface, you can confront them, alter them or if everyone agrees, you can let them go.
- Then there are implicit rules and these can sometimes get couples and families into trouble. In some cases you aren’t even aware of an implicit rule until it is violated, and this can cause misunderstandings, arguments and hurt feelings.
- W.J. Lederer & D. D. Jackson The Mirages of Marriage [Norton 1968] made the observation that random acts often turn into rules too. For instance if one day you sit down at the dinner table and decide to balance the checkbook, and then you do this let’s say for a month or two, it might very well become an expectation that this is now part of your responsibility no matter how heartily you protest.
- Other rules develop from your family values. As an example, perhaps on Sunday’s after church all family members must sit down at the dinner table and eat together. You picked this up from your mother, who inherited it from hers.
- But often the most satisfying rules come from negotiating. W.J. Lederer and D.D. Jackson developed a system for helping couples negotiate their quid pro quos. When you negotiate with others "it allows everyone to share in the power..." and is often viewed as equitable because of the mutual agreement.
- Some rules create stress in a relationship however. Adapting to change can be difficult for any family, but rules that are no longer appropriate can cause rifts. According to Lederer and Jackson you should pay close attention to rules that are inflexible or rules that are unspoken and where there is a prohibition of discussion. These sorts of rules are the ones that can cause create great turmoil and conflict.
In Communication, Conflict and Marriage [Jossey-Bass 1974], H.L. Rausch and colleaguespoint out that: “a rigid, impermeable structure prevents learning.” Relationships can not change and evolve if rules are inflexible and there will be a breakdown within a relationship that is unable to move in a natural a free manner. See how many rules exist in your relationships and share the exercise with your family. You may be surprised by your family's responses.
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