Arguments and disagreements between husbands and wives are normal. However, prolonged anger, frustration and resentment are not healthy for the relationship. What couples should engage in is arguing positively whenever conflicts in the marriage arise.
Dr. John Gottman, professor of psychology at the University of Washington, Seattle, and co-founder of the Gottman Institute, shares some marriage tips essential for all married couples.
Edit the Argument
Refrain from saying out loud every single angry thought during an argument. Sometimes, talking about sensitive topics can turn really ugly if everything is let out. Couples who edit their arguments are consistently much happier than those who don’t.
Start Argument Gently
Stay positive. Bring up problems gently instead of in an accusing and sarcastic tone. Don’t start the argument as if you are preparing yourself for a big battle. When the tone is non-confrontational and the starting point has been given a lot of thoughts, the chances of the other person listening positively also increase.
Set High Standards in the Relationship
Gottman says that successful married couples usually practice zero tolerance for hurtful behavior from each other, even when they were newly married. The lower the tolerance level for bad behavior in the early stages of the relationship, the happier the couple will be later on.
End the Argument Constructively
It’s common to see couples shouting at each other and ending the quarrel without any real solution, leaving both parties feeling drained and resentful. This can be prevented by learning to repair and exit the argument.
For instance, before the argument goes completely out of hand, change the subject, use humor, make caring and considerate remarks or show that you are both on the same side. If it’s too heated, call for a time-out. Agree to talk about the issue at another time.
Stay Positive
Happily married couples make at least five times as many positive remarks to and about each other as negative ones whenever they discuss an issue. So focus on the good side instead of the bad.
Accept Influence
To succeed in a marriage, a husband needs to be able to accept influence from his wife. Most women have no problem accepting influence from their husbands but for most men, this is something they need to learn, stresses Gottman. A real partnership exists only when both husband and wife can influence one another in the same manner.
It’s alright to argue every now and then in a marriage. In fact, arguments help keep the marital relationship strong and healthy. The trick is to argue positively and constructively. Editing the anger, starting arguments gently, refusing to accept bad behavior towards each other, exiting the argument properly, focusing on positive statements and accepting influence from each other are strategies that smart couples use to stay happily married amidst arguments.
Those who find this article useful may also be interested to read about Communicating Effectively with Husbands, Managing Conflicts in a Marriage and How to Have a Successful Marriage after Kids.
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