Cheating. Messing around. Stepping out. No matter what it's called, infidelity is one of the most hurtful and destructive situations that can occur in a relationship.
When an affair is discovered, it's sadly the beginning of a long-lasting and significant life crisis for both the betrayed partner and the wayward partner. The news that a partner has cheated often destroys the betrayed partner's sense of safety and security in the relationship; in fact, the discovery of an affair can shatter the injured partner's fundamental assumptions and beliefs about the relationship, and even about life.
He may experience post-traumatic symptoms such as flashbacks, hyperarousal, extreme anxiety and even panic attacks. After the initial shock, the profound sense of loss for both partners that surrounds the discovery of an affair often results in depression, characterized by a loss of interest in life and an inability to effectively go about life's day-to-day tasks.
Unfortunately, these intolerable symptoms don't go away quickly. Couples often describe the process of recovering from an affair to be the most difficult and arduous of their relationship. Below are six essential steps to take in the journey to save the relationship.
End all Contact with Lover
Say an absolute and final goodbye to the lover. There should be a firm rule of no contact that is never violated by phone, email, texts, chance meetings or any other form of contact. This is an essential step that will help to create an environment in which the betrayed partner can begin to slowly regain trust.
Analyze the Relationship
Accept even a small degree of shared responsibility. The wayward partner must bear the burden of most of the responsibility for the affair, but each situation is co-created on some level. Partners should think about and discuss this: how did we create a world that made it somehow okay to have an affair? But keep in mind that in no way did the betrayed partner "drive" the other to have an affair! "If you understood me/wanted me/paid more attention to me, I wouldn't have cheated!" is simply not true, in any respect.
Answer Betrayed Spouse's Questions
The betrayed spouse will likely have intrusive and racing thoughts about the affair. Some describe this as seeing a "movie" in their minds about what happened when the lovers were together. Because of this, he will likely ask many questions about the details of the affair. Hearing the answers can be difficult, and providing the answers is usually awkward and painful, as well.
An important caution that the betrayed spouse needs to consider, however, is whether he or she is prepared to hear and live with the answers; for example, is it helpful to know where or how the lovers had sex, or will this knowledge provoke additional and unnecessary anguish?
Again, all questions asked should be answered honestly, but gently, as often as needed, for as long as it's needed. This honestly is another step in rebuilding trust between the partners.
Rebuild Trust, Keep No Secrets, and Patience Needed
Work to earn back trust, or to grow new trust. An essential conversation to have involves the question, "What do you need from me in order to get past this?"
There's a saying that "He who has nothing to hide hides nothing." The wayward spouse needs to share cell phone records, passwords for all email accounts, bank records, phone contact lists and text records. This will likely feel very intrusive, especially after the secrecy and deception involved in an affair, but it's an essential step in the recovery process.
The words, "Get over it!" should never be uttered by the wayward spouse. Recovery from the severe emotional impact of an affair is a long and intricate process. Such insensitivity and impatience will very likely be a roadblock in the recovery process, and could even set it back to square one.
Get Professional Counseling Help
The pain and regret that are tangled within an affair's discovery can cloud judgment and cause frequent emotional flooding, which is a sense of feeling intensely overwhelmed and unable to think logically and clearly. Professional help from a counselor experienced in infidelity issues can help couples sort through the destructive thoughts and feelings and move towards repairing the relationship.
The copyright of the article Healing and Rebuilding Trust After an Affair in Marital Conflict Negotiation is owned by Lori Nash. Permission to republish Healing and Rebuilding Trust After an Affair in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
I am trying to survive my husbands cheating in 2007/2008. The affair lasted
approx 4 months, he gets angry and annoyed that I am still feeling
depressed, sad, not trusting him etc. He is a very practical person,
where as I am quite emotional, he feels that I should be getting back to
normal now, as the affair ended February 2008, but I cannot seem to get
over it, I feel betrayed, anxious and destroyed, I read this article and it
made sense to me, I have asked him for his cell phone bills but he won't
bring them home. I still feel he is contacting her, if not there is
now someone else who has caught his eye. I feel trapped and anxious
all the time.
Sep 18, 2009 11:59 AM
Guest :
Unfortunately it sounds like he is not ready to give you what you need to
help both of you heal and move forward. Same happened to me. He was still
secretive and became distant. He kept saying I couldn't move past it when
he already had. He later left and went back to her claiming I made him miss
her. It didn't last longer than a month maybe two but he had to be forced
to see what his life would truly be like without his famiy. When he
realized he didn't want to be that person he was willing to give me what I
need. You have my sympathy but only you know him best and know how to take
the reigns of this.
Sep 30, 2009 10:36 PM
Guest :
Hate reading this is sounds too close to home. Caught my GF sleeping with
the neighbor. She still denies it, I believe this is because she got
caught cheating in her on her ex-husband and doesn't want to go through all
the judgmental crap again. I told her she will never be able to tell
anything different, I just can't put up with the lies. She stayed in
contact with him after I confronted her and I blow up everytime I find a
text or phone call. We both acknowledge that we want to move on from this,
but just not sure if I can trust again. I'm honest with her when she asks
me what's wrong I tell her I struggle to trust her. Just recently found
her phone records and now see all the texts msg's that I didn't know
before. Looks like this had been going on for 4 weeks before I got smart.
Can trust be rebulit if the cheater continues to deny but i see it in her
face that she's scared I will leave at any moment? In my past I have
always bailed out, this time it's differnet we've been friends for 16yrs
and I'm thinking thats the only reason I'm trying.
Oct 1, 2009 6:35 AM
Guest :
The wayward spouse must totally own up to his or her behavior before trust
can be rebuilt. Complete accountability is necessary. Healing can't occur
without it. I'm sorry for what you are going through!
Oct 17, 2009 8:05 PM
Guest :
I feel like I should get over what happened to me because it's not quite as
rough as what you all are dealing with. I found out my fiance was going on
dates with other women several weeks before we got married. After a lot of
arguments and apologies from him I decided to go ahead with the marriage.
Ever since he's been an absolutely perfect husband. I really don't think he
slept with or even kissed anyone, but for some reason it's still incredibly
stressful that he wanted to go out with other women right before the
marriage. He's dealt with a lot of anger and resentment from me and always
tries to apologize again and make me happy. I guess I should just
appreciate that it wasn't worse.. it's weird how any kind of infidelity can
leave a LOT of damage.
Oct 20, 2009 7:37 PM
Guest :
ann19: You have every rational reason to feel the way you're feeling. I'm a
man that had an affair and I didn't tell my wife until the 10yr mark and I
did so many things wrong in her healing and I was so unaware of what she
needed to here and what I was suppose to do. There's a process in your
healing and him not allowing you to see his cell bill should be a huge RED
FLAG that he is not remorseful of what he has done. Forgiving him is your
first step and truly understanding what forgiveness is very important. Him
putting time lines on when you need to, "get over it" is not the
way a man is suppose to ensure your healing. As a man these are some of the
crucial steps that need to happen. #1- Stop what you are doing. #2 Ask for
your forgiveness. #3 Allow you to say, feel, act anyway you need to,
because that's a pain no woman should ever have to bear. #4 Put no time
lines down for your healing. #5 Relinquish any authority, "he"
may have, because all trust is gone and any right "he" may think
he has is gone. "remember he is the offender" not you! #6 Open
everything up about himself, i.e. e-mail passwords, bank accounts, cell
phone bills, myspace, facebook, twitter... absolutely everything... If
you're not doing anything wrong there shouldn't be any hesitation on his
part. Something you have to remember when he is doing this, you can
destroy him with a venomous heart, so be mindful of that. That is why it's
so important to truly understand Forgiveness. Your pain is real and a man
that is truly remorseful will feel bad enough that he has hurt you, don't
return pain for pain, it will destroy you both. When a man makes a mistake
like this, there is absolutely no excuse for it. There's is nothing you did
for him to do this. Everyone has a choice to do what is right and he
obviously did the wrong thing. Remember we are judged by how we react to
what happens to us, not by what happens to us.
Aug 16, 2009
